It was hard as not only was I grieving the loss of my mother, but three days before she passed, I received an email from someone who I considered one of my closest confidants that he was severing ties. He stated his reasons, I didn’t have to like it, but I had to accept it. And at my mother’s wake, of all places, my best friend since high school told me that she was done with the friendship. Two of my dearest and closest friends left, just like that. I felt abandoned. I felt lost.
For a while, people check on you and then that stops eventually as they get back to their own lives. It is expected of course, but that’s when the loss really hits. I was living with my mom, taking care of her for the past three years, so that house felt so big and so empty. Someone at mom’s wake said to me, “well now you can get back to your life”. That would be fine if I knew what that was. She was my 24/7 since being laid-off from my job. I took care of her and the dogs. I remember one night sitting in her bedroom and just screaming. I cried until I didn’t have a tear left. My mother was gone. She was my ultimate best friend. She loved me more than anyone. We did so much together. Shared the same sense of humor. Wrote and performed skits. We had fun together. We would make each other laugh until our sides hurt. Mom had always been my #1 supporter. She loved my songwriting skills. I remember how it all started. I asked her to listen to a song I wrote. She liked it and asked if I had any more. When I showed her my notebooks full (at the time around 50) of songs, she pointed to my head and said, “I didn’t realize how busy it was up there.” And so my musical career began.
She booked musical gigs for me in coffee houses. Borders Book Stores and open mic nights. I played out every weekend for at least 5 years. She booked for Alzheimer vigil nights with the song I wrote about my grandmother, If I Forget to Love You and she booked me for relay for life and the Miss Illinois Wheelchair Pageant, where I performed my original song, For I Can. She found Thunderclap Recording Studios (which I still use today) to record my CDs. She had so much faith in my talents. When I asked her to read a book I wrote, she drew the cover of my first novella, Eliza Jane. She was in the midst of drawing for the second novella when she passed away. She carried my CDs and books everywhere she went. She funded soirees for my CD releases. I loved looking out into the audience and seeing her there. She was either clapping, singing, encouraging others to clap or to at least get into the show. She would ‘work the room’ to see reactions and hear what people were saying. She would book me again before my show was even over. Where was I going to find someone like mom? There was no one else…except me. I had to learn to have that same enthusiasm, same faith and same determination in me as she did.
Next Week: Finding faith within
Until Next time…

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