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A Decade of Grief: My Journey of Healing and Self-Discovery Part VI

Writer's picture: Joyce AnnJoyce Ann

It wasn’t all tissue after tissue. Although there were times I cried so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. And times when I cried so much I didn’t think I had any tears left. But in between all of those times, there was happiness. My niece, Michelle, gave birth to her first child a month before mom passed away. She planned his baptism for October because mom flew to Virginia to be with Kathleen for the holidays, and in all honesty, to give me a break from caregiving. Mom knew she was a great-grandmother and did see a picture of Jack. She was so happy and looked forward to meeting him. That wasn’t to be. My daughter, Jessica, and I went to Virginia as planned for the baptism. It was beautiful and solemn. Jack was so tiny and adorable. We all missed mom’s presence. Jessica flew back to Chicago early as she had school and I stayed with my sister an extra week. During that week, I received a text from an old, childhood friend of mine asking me to go to his nephew’s wedding with him the following week. I accepted. I remember my sister being so excited. Mark and I grew up right across the street from each other as kids. My family moved away when I was twelve. We reconnected on Facebook in 2011. My sister remembered the Reblin family, but not Mark specifically. She was happy that I was finding life again, after putting so much on hold for three years. Her first question was, “how are you going to wear your hair?” We laughed. 


The day of the wedding came. I still remember the look on Mark’s face when I came down the stairs dressed to the nines. I felt like a princess in a Disney movie. He told me I looked beautiful. I blushed. The wedding was beautiful, the reception was fun and on the ride home, we became a couple. There was happiness in the midst of sorrow, something I really hadn’t experienced before. I felt I had to give myself permission to be happy, that being happy was somehow wrong. I fought those feelings and enjoyed being in a relationship with Mark. 


I began to learn that in moving forward, happiness would come. Regardless of the back to back losses, if I opened my heart and listened to what the universe was whispering, then I was able to feel both grief and happiness. Sometimes at the same time. And I had to learn to balance the two. I knew that being happy and enjoying things again didn’t mean I had forgotten how much I missed my mother, or Aunt Marion, or KC, or Jerry. I just had to start putting them safely in their places so life could move forward.


Next week: Getting through the holidays


Until next time…




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