June 17th, 2024 I turned 60, grateful and blessed. I did not take turning this age lightly. Many of my childhood friends did not reach this milestone. My father did not reach this milestone.
However, in my 60th year, I lost my Aunt Peggy from a heart attack and a dear friend of mine of 30 years, Donna Sue from heart failure. Mere months apart and more grief than I could handle.
My grief remains complicated and heavy. I cry unexpectedly but I allow myself to feel my feels. I don’t apologize anymore for feeling the way I feel. Or for how my grief has changed me because it has and I don’t expect anyone to understand that. I don’t explain why I do the things I do or the need to do them. I don’t share inner thoughts as much as I used to for they are complex and the blank stares I get are unnerving. I am still sociable, friendly and share myself with a close circle. My circle gets smaller every year, but quality improves.
Grief is eternal. It remains a constant entity, evolving during the healing process, but never dissipates.
Grief is a gut-punch. It does not wait until you are ok before it attacks again with another loss, and as I learned, not necessarily a death.
Grief is a lonesome journey. While I had others around me. While others suffered the same loss. It is a lonesome journey. No one grieves the same. No one understands how I felt. It’s like nails on a chalkboard when people tell me, “I know EXACTLY how you feel,” No the fuck you don’t!
Grief is a bitch. It tears at my soul. Hurts at the deepest level without remorse. Leaks water out of my eyes at the most inopportune times. Takes my breath away more than my asthma. Interrupts my life on its schedule.
Grief is love. In regards to death. If I didn’t love these people/pets with all I had in me, I wouldn’t miss them so much. It wouldn't hurt.
People have told me that I’m strong. I disagree. What I will call myself is resilient. Similar, yes, but different in the sense I have the ability to bounce back. Something I had to learn at a young age from being bullied about my weight as a kid, then being sexually abused as an adolescent and life in general. I never did feel the need to recoil and quit. I was always curious as to what the next ‘chapter’ was going to hold. Going through this last decade of grief was no different. I realized my resilience and my faith kept me going.
I’ve realized that I choose to have people in my life. I have managed dark times alone, when I really needed someone, reached out and no one was there, and survived on my own. I enjoy people in my life and love my circle of friends. I used to beg people to stay in my life, tolerate behaviors or change my own ways for someone because I didn’t want to be alone (and I’m not talking about relationships only). I wanted to have a lot of friends. I wanted to feel important. I looked for outside validation because I wasn’t giving it to myself. These past ten years taught me how to validate myself. Sure, getting a pat on the back or compliments from friends are great, but more importantly, I learned to give them to myself first.
Before I leave with a quote I found profound on grief, I want to thank all of you that have followed me on my grief journey and I hope in some way it helped you too. I wish you peace.
Until next time…
“Grief: An earth-shattering moment that changes you as a person forever.”
— Mark Lemon
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